California Momma's Pages

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


SO I DID THIS LAST WEEK WITH ANGEL, AND GOT A FEW REALLY encouraging comments, even thought I totally thought I did it wrong! So I decided to continue on this same warped path and not only share my inner dialague with everyone, but you are about to take a journey into the inner most personal side of me, My relationship With Jon.
Are you sure you really want to go there? For those who are not tall enough to ride this ride, please use this time now to MAKE A QUICK GETAWAY! TURN AND RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!
Those of you that are brave enough to travel down this Not-So-Yellow-Brick-Road, get ready and make sure you have your ruby stilettos handy in case you want to make a quick escape.
OK, times up!
So, if you remember my WIMTS from last week, there was an issue I briefly touched on, if you didn't get to read it, go HERE to catch up.
After that weekend where I meant to say "STAY HOME" but didn't, it seemed to go downhill from there. I guess you can say it could have been just me, being way to emotional about the whole situation I am known to be way too sensitive about things, especially with my personal life. I am what you can call someone who wears their emotions on their sleeve.
 So I was just basically going through the motions, lost in my own feelings and I guess going over the "worst case scenario" in my head, and that obviously doesn't help the situation.
It was last night, Tuesday, and we had to get ready to go the Pool Hall, We had decided a few weeks ago to start our own team and join the APA. Billiards is something that we both enjoy doing, although I am no where near as good as Jon, I can hold my own.
So anyways, we were supposed to be at the place by 7pm, It was 530pm, and Jon still was not home. I knew he would be coming in at the last minute, rushing to get ready. He had to pick up a friend and then come home. It was 6pm when he got here. I already had his things ready for him, so he wouldn't have to waste time, I even had dinner packed up and ready to go.We got there 5 minutes til, and were still able to play. We did pretty good for being our first time playing in the tournament, we lost but overall we did ok, plus we had fun together. So after wards, I figured we would go take his friend home and then go home, but no that would have meant we would thinking about spending time alone and having a little alone time with each other, which to most people doesn't sound like it would be such a big deal, but when you have someone who has a schedule like Jon's you realize how precious a little alone time is.

Unfortunately, I was unaware of the fact that Jon had to go back to work after he took his friend home. He had only been able to get a few hours off , so we could go play. So when he started to drive in the direction of our house, I asked him where he was going, he said to take you home, so I can just go straight back to work from taking home Victor,(his friend) 
Well I guess he saw the look on my face and immediately his defenses went up. Now I have been with Jon long enough to know that it does not matter what is said after that, he won't hear it logically, he takes it as an attack, so it is better I have learned to just drop it and bring it up later. But I was Hurt, and Mad and feeling like I am the last thing on his mind lately. I have been feeling like everything and everyone else comes before me, so I slipped up. I know better but I just couldn't keep my mouth closed and let it pass.
I was still looking at him during all this, and as I turned my head, I quietly let out my breath and said, "Of course,everyone else gets time alone with you, but not me. What else is new?"
As soon as it was out of my mouth and in the air, I wanted to grab the words back and shove them down my throat, but it was too late. He just looked at me and shook his head. It was silent the rest of the way home.
When we got home, I got out of the car and he didn't even get out or even put the car in park. He pulled away from the curb and went to work.
I stood there for the longest time, wondering how such a good night could turn so bad by one statement. Really? Was that all it took? I knew in my guts and in my heart it had to be more then that. For our sake I prayed it was more then that.
I stayed up, waiting for him and when he came through the door, I got up and was there to meet him. I didn't even let him say anything, I threw my arms around him and hugged him so tight, I thought I was going to cut off his air. He dropped his things and hugged me back. Well that's all I needed for the waterworkd to start. (like I hadn't been crying all night anyways)
I actually did something out of character for me. I said to him, what I am saying to all of you.
"What I meant To Say Was...I am so proud of you for working so much for us and for the family we want to have. I appreciate you and everything that you do for me and for Jared. I am the luckiest girl around, because you love me so much, and you work so hard to provide for us. I'm sorry I let my emotions get the best of me last night"
He just looked at me in amazement and smailed. He told me, " I do love you" 
I could have sworn I saw his eyes watery, but he said no.
But finally I think we broke through that barrier and have came to a place in our relationship where we both know, EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK.
Sometimes we have to actually, say what we meant to say, instead of what we did say.
Love and Creativity from a California Momma,


singedwingangel said...

OH it is so hard to take those kinds of things personally. I know how ya feel. We are leaving this weekend to move my sister back here. He can't get Friday off so he SAYS he is going to go in for like 3 hours and come home..except it NEVER happens that way.. We are leaving Friday period.. but I know they will keep him there and he will work until hejust flat out walks out. .. aGGHH lol..

Adrienne said...

It is hard to have one that works so much my ex and I did not survive his wild traveling constant working ways because I was unwilling to be happy alone and appreciate my time with him...I am still not and I am just not good in those situations...Just remind him you are proud of him and remind yourself why you love him

Sandra said...

Good for you for not making his work schedule YOUR issue. You are honest, smart, giving, loving, and it's obviously going to be your reward.
Following you from a Friday Follow.